Today we are going to talk about the emotional - or lack thereof - connection to sex. I threw in the "lack thereof" caveat as a conversation i had several months back has slipped into my mind. I was walking with a couple of friends downtown to catch a band when the subject came up (as it always seems to...is it that we are a society obsessed? don't we have anything better to talk about? I posed this question once and was met with this reply; "What could be better?").
The conversation went something like this (i have to dig deep into the recesses of my mind, as it was several months back...and why, you well may ask, do i not have anything more recent to draw upon? The answer is forthcoming...as i get to my point (and reason for the train of thought of this bloggery entry) you will better understand why i've been slow on the updates as of late:
Friend A (female) - in response to us questioning the current state of her relationship with a common friend of mine and the other walking companion: "I guess I'm just a relationship kind of person...I've never really been into short relationships, or dating people...I just can't sleep with someone without an emotional attachment....can you?"
Friend B (male): Sure.
Me (violet): You betcha.
There was a bit more to the chat, I suppose, but that is really the "bare bones" of it. But as i have been embarking upon a pseudo-casual relationship as of late, and teetering on the brink of emotional attachment, i've been thinking about that question and my response to it. You see, i've always been able to detach one from the other (sex from emotion, that is). While i realize that sex is usually better when one invests some emotion into it, i think i have trained myself not to. I remember reading somewhere (probably in some trashy magazine in which a pop-psychologist answers the questions and woes of the "typical" North American female - back in the day when i went in for that sort of thing...i was young, and in need of guidance, but don't worry, i've long since come to my senses, and no longer induldge in such printed crap on glossy pages) that women instantly become emotionally attached to someone after sex...apparently, it is biological. Men, however, don't. At the time, i remember thinking that i was defying biology, as up until that point, i felt no emotional attachment to the men with whom i had slept. At the time, it was something of a smug, secret thing i prided myself on. But all these years later, it makes me worry just a wee bit.
Currently, I am casually involved with someone. The situation does not lend itself to quick progresion though, because he is recently out of a long relationship that ended badly. Although things have been pretty "full on" (as in weekend road trips, evening dinners, movies and hot sex, and even plenty of day time activities (that one always gets a reaction from friends, as in "Oooo, day dates? Must be going somewhere..." I'm not just referring to my situation here - the "day time activity" analysis seems to be applied far and wide when trying to ascertain the progression of a new relationship). HOWEVER, just the other night, i was treated to the "i really like hanging out with you and want it to continue just like it is, but my friends and family have all said that they don't think i should get into a serious relationship so quickly and that i should really be open to dating other people right now and i guess i agree with them....but i still want to spend time with you." WHAT THE FUCK? i'm all for seeking advice from others, but generally try not to allow the opinions of my family and friends to have that great an influence on me. I have translated it thusly:
"While i really enjoy the fact that you have been around for the past month or so to hold my hand when i get upset about the demise of my past relationship, to prevent me from feeling lonely and that you're great in the sack, my friends have advised me not to get seriously involved with someone, and i am not going to make my own decisions, but instead, listen to others instead of myself."
So now what? I knew what i was getting into right from the beginning, so i can't act as though it is a total shock. I have also been keeping something of an emotional distance, so i'm not falling to pieces or anything, BUT my concern is this: if i continue to keep myself from getting emotionally caught up with the people (actually person - i'm not much for being involved with more than 1 person at a time) i am sleeping with, will i ever be able to? Is this a permenant affliction? And as for this situation, this individual who still wants things to stay the way they are, but with the understanding that should someone else strike his fancy, he's up and gone, should i stay or i should i go? Unlike him, i'm not seeking advice from friends or family, i am seeking advice from complete and utter strangers on the internet.