Saturday, June 24, 2006

opportunity knocked, and i answered the door..wearing a skimpy negligee and holding a martini in my hot little hand...

I've recently been enlightened as to why i've always enjoyed older men.

If you've have followed the writings of the SSPs for the past few weeks, you might have noticed that our topics of interest have had something of a common thread - specifically, younger men. I guess with a birthday looming just around the corner, and having exited a fairly long stint of monogamy a few months back, i've just developed this insatiable curiosity to "sample the goods", as it were. So, when i found myself at a bar that i would never usually find myself at (a friend's birthday- her choice) and found myself acting in ways i do not normally act (speaker dancing), i also found that opportunity knocked...and how could i not answer the door?

And what, dear readers, can i tell you about this encounter? Well, it's been a long time since i made out with someone in a bar, pressed up against a wall, oblivious to the disgusted stares of strangers. So intense we were in our pawing and groping, that i failed to notice he had inched my dress up my thighs, thereby exposing my...lacy black boy-cuts (underwear specifically reserved for semi-see-through frocks such as the one that now lies in a heap on my bedroom floor, torn off in a fit of...i won't say passion, because i believe passion generally comes when you have had more than a passing conversation with someone prior to fucking them, but if we call it good old-fashioned randiness, that'd be right on the money).

Regarding my new-found interest in those born in the 8os, a friend of mine recently said "Those young'uns will show a lot of stamina, but i imagine you might have to instruct them a little bit in what you need them to do...". At the time, i thought "Who cares? I'm up for it - stamina sounds great. Sex all night long sounds great. Hot, young, eager men...sounds great." But, you know what? He was right. While last night sure was good for kicks, i don't think that boy would know a clitoris if it jumped up and bit him. And speaking of bites, you should see the teeth-marks all over my body! I guess maybe their teeth wear down a bit as they get older...not so sharp. And, i guess the slightly older man has probably had a slightly older woman at some point show him some of the finer points of hot sex. Last night,I too, did my duty as the slightly older woman: "Slide your hand this, this way..good...yup...right go like this with your tongue..yeah...ummmhmmmm....ooohhhh....sigh.....yes. Yes. YES.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

the rug doesn't match the drapes

The SSPs are having a productive, yet bizarre week, in the romance department. I know what you're thinking: "Who gives a fuck about the romantic shit - we come here to read about HOT SEX!" - and hot sex you will get, dear readers. But first you need to hear about the weirdos that we seem to draw in, like wasps to honey on a hot summer's day...
Last night, we were hit on by the same guy - at the same time. It was very much a fishing expedition - he didn't seem to care which one of us took the bait (and i'm quite sure he would happily have taken both, if the opportunity presented itself...which it didn't). Here are some tips for the pick-up line challenged amongst you:
1.) Never start off a conversation by saying "i like older women", in reference to a woman who is still in her 20s. I know i gave that whole "Mrs. Robinson" idea a whirl a few postings back, but it has to be ON MY TERMS - not coming from some pain-in-the-ass 22 year old so-called stand-up comedian.

2.) Don't assume that your reputation preceeds you - you are not in high school anymore, for fuck's sake. (i.e. "Well, all the girls say i'm great in the sack...". ..gross.)

3.) Don't make creepy fetish-oriented comments until you know that you are "in like flynn", as they say (who is this famous "Flynn" character anyway? where do these silly expressions come from?)

I am describing one particular situation here, and doing a brief analysis of why this guy did not have a chance in HELL of earning an invite back to Slipshod Manor. As a matter of fact, he didn't even merit the SSP's bloggery site address. (note to those who were passed a scrap of paper with a baffling question and our URL on it - its because we deemed you worthy of reading our inner most thoughts...and perhaps because we wrote about you in a semi-veiled way that we decided direct you here).

Getting back to the fetish-ist comments: last night, i was wearing a strand of pearls. i like the "naughty '50s housewife" look every now and then. This same lame-ass 22 year old actually had the gall to reach out and TOUCH MY PEARLS and say "i'd be making a pearl noose out of these later if you let me." ????????? Lookit (isn't that such a great expression? my mother used to get pissy with me for using it - "bad grammar"), i am not letting you anywhere near me or my pearls at any point, so get those lame-o ideas that you wouldn't have the balls to carry off in the first place out of your pea-brained head.

I'd like to point out that anyone who really has a good idea for me and my pearls, but enough sense keep it to yourself until the time is right (i.e. at least some indication of interest from me..and some indication that you're not full of shit when you make statements such as that), i'll not only wear the pearls, but i'll throw on my garter belt, heels and an apron as well - and some bright red lipstick for good measure.

And how could i forget the highlight of last evening's conversation? He looked at me said "You know what they say about red heads?" (what a stupid thing to say to a redhead!! anyone with any distinctive feature knows what they say about whatever distinctive feature that person has! We've heard it all before. But, i gave him a blank look anyway... and he (ever so creatively) said "They have more fun than blondes.." - ??? I told him that i wasn't so sure - i had plenty of fun as a blonde - hinting at the fact that my red hair is slightly "assisted". And at this point, we reached the crowning moment of the conversation, as he said (while staring lavaciously at my skirt) "You mean the rug doesn't match the drapes?". In other circumstances, i would have lifted my skirt so he could check for himself, but he was hardly worthy of the exposing my bare ass to the air-conditioning in the bar. That's when Poppy and i walked away....holding hands and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, just so he could see what could have been...if he hadn't been so useless.

Live and learn. Today's lesson: don't be such a skill-less pick-up artist. or quite simply: don't be such a moron.

*a quick plea for help from anyone with technological inclinations: we've got some great pictures that we've been trying to put up but the normal method is not working. anyone out there who is familiar with this bloggery format and has some helpful hints, please contact us...xoxoxoxo *

Sunday, June 11, 2006

super 8 1/2

Last night, i met up with a friend at our local independently-owned video store. We had decided to watch a film at Slipshod Manor...but the problem with movie-viewing here is that we are not fully updated to the 21st century. We still have (GASP!) a VCR. Well, we do own a dvd player and have inherited several televisions sets from various family members, but as we generally don't watch television, the television sets have been regulated to the back of closets, and since they're not easily accessible, our dvd player is also shelved somewhere. Now, i suppose we could make a small effort and go buy the necessary cords to hook one thing up with another, maybe even purchase a set of rabbit ears so that we could have 3 stations, but my limited income has other uses for now...
...back to the video store. Apparently, most of the city has bought into the technological conspiracy of dvds and the vhs section is quite limited. Another interesting (and relevant) piece of information is that in a three story video store, the vhs tapes have been stuck in the basement, taking up one wall and one middle of the room-stand-thing (does it have an actual name? y'know, those free-standing display racks in the middle of the movie store?)..and along that same wall, is the door that leads into the XXX-Room.
**Disclaimer** I am not in any way, shape or form taking any kind of tone in my voice while i am writing about porn movies. If it is your thing, please don't get your hackles up about the following anecdote. I prefer my titillation in the written form, with a few artful erotic photos thrown in on the side. Watching someone else get it on makes me feel weird, but again, to each their own.**
Now that i've dealt with that, onto the story:
So, we rented a movie called "super 8 1/2" which (judging by the synopsis on back) to be something of a "mock-umentary" about a has-been porn director whose rise and fall has been documented by some art-film avant garde director. The comments on the back call it "the feel good movie of the year" (we'll get back to THAT later), and a variety of other positive things, including a note about a cameo appearance by Buddy Cole (any Kids in the Hall fans would recognize this name as a character created by Scott Thompson). We figured that it sounded weird (which is fabulous) and perhaps mildly erotic (again, lovely) and even a little bit funny. The perfect choice for a rainy saturday evening, to be accompanied with red wine and a joint (and a kit kat bar for later).

The film was shot in super 8 format - grainy, wobbley, distant sound, black and white with occasional colour scenes (i think..?). Interesting in that "oh aren't you so clever" kind of way. Then, a bit of girl-on-girl action in a graveyard (no problems there), a mysterious film maker who takes polaroids and keeps her sexual orientation a secret (as told to us in narration by one of the many characters), a few shots of the down-and-out XXX director in his bedroom with his two-bit hustler boyfriend laying about in their plastic bedsheets (clear plastic - like a shower first thought was "I'll bet that really sticks to their butt cheeks"), and, porn, porn everywhere. I never cared to see that many blow jobs given in my life, by women or men. I saw more penis in an hour and a half then i have seen in....oh, i'll just let that one go, but suffice to say, it was overwhelming (not in the way one wants to be overwhelmed) and weird. Some of it was funny - clips of the supposed movies made by the supposed actors (film within film - i know it has a specific name - like a book within a book....framing, perhaps? i'm sure someone out there knows). My favorite was a clip called "Submit to my Finger" which was "made" by Googie (the aforementioned polaroid taker) about "two sexual outlaws" (played by the graveyard girls - who, incidentally, give a great lesson in stripping technique during their "screen test" for the mysterious, sexually ambiguous film maker) who just can't get enough action from a day at home and go out looking for trouble. They pick up a male hitchhiker and have their way with him....except their way is not the what you'd expect it to be. I was a little bit miffed to say the least, but intrigued...until one of them stuck their gun into his butt. How does one react to that? I know how i reacted - a cheek-tightening, jaw-clenching "omigod that has got to hurt!!!". Whoever called this "the feel good movie of the year" evidently has no problem with various objects being lodged in their bum. Feel good? A gun UP YOUR ASS????? i doubt it.

What else can i say about Super 8 1/2? Well, i think it might have migrated from the XXX room into the VHS section. Another ploy in the DVD conspiracy - "if only i had my dvd player hooked up, this never would have happened". But then again, i never would have learned such useful stripping technique, which i'm sure will come in handy one day.

Monday, June 05, 2006

take a bite

Well, we're finally taking advantage of our new diggs and have started to build our photo library (how can we expect to maintain our loyal fan base if we're only providing them with pics we found on the internet?). Violet's boudoir is shaping up nicely and is proving to be a lovely photo studio, despite concerns over the previously mentioned Jane Austen-esque esthetics. And what are two little Petticoats to do after a hot photo shoot on a rainy sunday evening? Head on over to our favorite little cigar bar, of course. And what better place to ask perfect strangers for their opinion on which photo most clearly shows the passionate pressure of the teeth marks that Poppy put on Violet's shoulder ("Harder Poppy! Bite me harder!" - FYI: Violet won't be wearing any sleeveless shirts for quite sometime, despite the approaching warm weather)?

The strangers who shared our table picked exhibit A.

Meanwhile, the two extrordinarily attractive strangers that we had been so obviously ogglingdrooingover and subliminallymessaging all evening and then finally summoned up enough boldness to ask their opinion ( "I dare you Poppy." "No - I dare YOU Violet! I took the last dare with strangers in a bar! Remember that time I tried to hook you up with that guy in that band?" "It didn't work out Poppy." "That doesn't matter- its your turn...") liked exhibit B (which was also Violet's favorite : "My fingers look so fucking hot in that picture - it is actually turning me on. Is it possible to get turned on by a picture of one's own fingers?? ). So, we posted them for you to have a look. There has been an attempt made at artistic digital things, but the very fact that Violet doesn't even know what the proper terminology is for such an operation is an indication that such things should really be left up to Poppy.

And why did we take such a ridiculous photo? We are planning on taking up the challenge of a photo scavenger hunt, as proposed over at (if you're going to take a peek, make sure you get the .ca in at the end - as opposed to .com, which will take you into a slightly more pornographic site (unless of course that is what you are looking for). But before you leave us to visit (or .com, si tu veux), make sure you check out our new profile picture...

On an entirely different note, the song of the day here at Slipshod Manor is Bright Eyes' Landlocked Blues. If I were more technologically inclined, i'd link it for you, but i don't know how to....sorry.

Much Love, the SSPs