Friday, February 24, 2006

Words That Sound Dirty but Actually Aren't..

Good morning. Just a few quick words while i down my coffee (without cream dammit! i hate it without cream! it tastes like tar and molasses all mixed together! i have fallen into the habit of buying cheap coffee and dousing it heavily with coffee-condiments - namely cream (the kind in the pink carton) and honey - yes, you read it right , honey. i loooovvvve honey in my coffee.) Today i am out of both cream and honey and i realized that i don't like it any other way, so now i am cranky and sulking.

I have been putting some thought into the Words that Sound Dirty but Actually Aren't list, as mentioned in our very first Bloggery (that being the first word on the list) and while i was drifting off to sleep last night (it is really one of the most productive times for thinking..i'm not sure why, but i always have delicious ideas of some sort at that particular time. Sometimes, they're not very nice thoughts, especially if i have had an unusually tedious day at work - then i think mean spirited, yet satisfying thoughts about anyone who was responsible for making my lips tremble and my eyes well-up that day (i have a nasty job where people are rather abusive)...).
Last night before bed, i was reading Roald Dahl's My Uncle Oswald. For those of you who are familiar with Roald Dahl (excuse me while i take a sip of molasses flavored tar), he generally writes wonderful children's stories, but this is NOT a children's story. It is actually quite naughty and wickedly funny. Highly recommended, yet not easy to find. I believe that it is out of print. I am a resourceful book buyer. If you're really good, maybe I'll lend it to you. All of this is leading to the great not-dirty word i thought of while drifting off: punt. So obvious, and very satisfying to say. try it, you'll like it.
Shit. i have to go to work now. wish me luck.

p.s. how do you fix the time of the postings on this thing? it is NOT 2:34 am in my world....

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

t'was a hot and steamy night....

I've been really "anti-subject line" as of late in my e-mails, but i guess i can't go that route quite so easily in the world of bloggery - since it asks for a "title" as opposed to a "subject line", and i generally like titles. I like them so much, in fact, that i often come up with fantastic titles for either books that i have not yet written or albums that i have not yet recorded with the band that i have not yet formed. Hmmmmm...i sure sound like a slacker - but at least one with high aspirations. I like titles that are rather long and a bit silly - sometimes with some sort of oxymoron in the title....let's see if i can think of a good one off the top of my head (i don't know if i should expose any of the really good ones here on the bloggery - what if i actually do write one of those already-titled-but-not-written books and someone else has read this bloggery and stolen the title all for their very own and therefore i cannot use it? I would really be devastated...devastated? That sure is "strong language". Another good expression - "strong language" because it can have ever so many meanings). I know someone who's dad has a stamp (the rubber kind with a stamp pad) that says "FUCK YOU....strong letter to follow." I LOVE IT! When i was younger and we found this whilst rooting through her father's desk, i found it shocking. As we got older, we used to stamp it on paper and feel a little bit daring. Now i find it clever and worth a little titter - in that shoulder-lifting, hard, quick exhale kind of way... kind of a half-laugh. Do you know the kind i mean? Try it, following the description and think of something mildly amusing but not warranting an out-loud laugh, like a one panel cartoon that someone in your office might post on the bulletin board (probably that Far Side cartoon about Hell with the guy commenting on how thorough the people responsible for making Hell hellish are because even the coffee is cold - staffroom humour often involves coffee, which is weird because at my place of work, they don't even have a bloody coffeemaker!!!).Get it now?

Now comes the part about my weekend conversation:
While sitting at a table chatting over drinks with several friends last Saturday night, we had a conversation about the end of relationships - more specifically about when is the right time to "pull the plug", so to speak. A few stories were exchanged about bad sex (side bar: it was generally agreed that despite foolhardy statements like "Just like there's no such thing as bad pizza, there is no such thing as bad sex" - are stupid and untrue. Bad sex is out there folks and it can happen to you - yes, even YOU.), and then i explained about the demise of my last two long-term relationships - both ending explosively, which demonstrates that i should have bailed much earlier than i did, but towards the end of both, the SEX WAS TERRIBLE!!!!! I mean, the kind of staring-at-the-ceiling-thinking-about-the-grocery-list kind of terrible, with me stroking and cajoling the, ahem, finish (weak finish at that), all the while thinking (between thrusts) "". The conclusion to the conversation (or The Beginning of Bad, Boring, Dying a Slow and Painful Death Relationship Sex): Lack of Tongue. Yup, that's right. When the tongue stops teasing and slowly lingering, when the teeth stop nibbling and nipping lips, when two tongues stop that deep, gentle, sex-mimicking exploration of mouths with ragged breathes being may as well look over your shoulder to catch the sexual Grim Reaper leering at you from the corner of your bedroom. You're done like dinner, baby. Time to move on.
Now I know there are those out there who will say that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship and there needs to be trust and respect and a willingness to take out the garbage, etc., but i'm not one of them. Keep it
hot and steamy.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

saturday night mischief

Saturday nights are such a wonderful venue for a little bit of naughtiness. We, the Slipshod Petticoats, like to get ourselves tangled up in a little bit of trouble on the weekends ,especially if that tangle involves lacy lingerie in inappropriate situation or spicing things up a smidgen in public places. We are not so utterly predictable that we think "spicing it up" involves public groping or other such nonsense - we're more creative than that. But, since we've begun to tread down the garden path of bitching about the lame-osity of public groping , and how it seems to turn some people on, the opportunity to put a stamp of disapproval on such activities must be seized and plucked, like a ripe peach. So here we go:

Several weeks ago, one little Petticoat was out for an evening of carousing, and was more than ready for a fantastic night, having prepped for the evening's outing by drinking Propeller (yes, i know that is product endorsment and i'm feeling no shame about it) and watching some old AC/DC videos mixed in with some led zeppelin concert footage (the gratutitous crotch shots of Robert and Jimmy are pure entertainment bliss - but not in a sexual way). Having arrived at the evening's destination (an ultimately disappointing CD release of a local band that shall remain nameless), found herself caught up in a rambunctious crowd (no problems there), tightly packed together so that movement was difficult. The couple next to our poor little petticoat were busily making out - and such was their eagerness to get at one another, that their pawing and groping spilled over from their little "couple space" in the crowd and they ended up involving said Petticoat in this disgusting display by inadvertantly touching her on the head and shoulders whicle they shoved their tongues into each other's mouth's, seemingly oblivious to their wandering hands wandering much further than they should have been - onto the body of an innocent by-stander. Listen folks, if you want third party involvement, that's cool - but you were just not my type.

Back to Saturday (the most recent one). This weekend saw the Slipshod Petticoats sipping vino and doing a little impromtu posing in our (what else?) petticoats. Well, we don't really wear petticoats - in fact, neither of us wear underwear, but we do have a lovely collection of little, lacey, underthings....stay tuned for the pics. And what do two girls who are all dressed up with nowhere to go do on a Saturday night? Head out into the world, and look for trouble, of course! Ah, trouble! One of my favorite "t"words. Other favorites include; tantalize, titillate, tremble, tease, tempt, taste, touch..."t" is a sexy letter...even the way one has to use one's tongue to say "t" words - touching the tip against the back of the front teeth...hmmmmmmmmm..

I digress. On Saturday evening, I encountered a situation that made me realize that people really like to have their cake and eat it too (as the old adage goes). It's a silly expression really, because what is the point of having cake if you can't it eat it? But, in this particular case, I think the individual in question is nibbling on one piece of cake (or perhaps wholly devouring it - who am i to say? i'm not in their bedroom) while eyeing another cake from the desert trolley..the metaphorical desert trolley? Does that work? Can people be considered confectionary? What do you think?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Well, here it is: my first bloggery. But since time is always so full of piddley little wasteful things that find me far from The Computer, I must first scribe these words on borrowed paper here at work, stored secretly in the confines of a black, padded billfolder. In case your curiousity is peaked and stumped, I am a servant of the hungry and thirsty. Well, the hungry and thirsty with credit cards, that is. But, let's not go too far off the beaten track my naughty cohort has trodden for us.

On the subject of Bottoms, and since I am at work, I think it may interest you to know that bottomwear/panties/undies are highly unpopular amongst the female serving staff I know. Keep that in mind the next time you are at a restaurant. It may help you pass the time while you wait for the slow-ass cooks the prepare your meal - who are too busy slapping each others' behinds and chasing one another around the hot grill with wet noodles soon the be found in your hungry mouth!

So, the other female servers wear Hane's HerWay, & have terrible panty-lines (ew!), or have a string riding up their crack, defending the comfortability of thongs. You have an elasticised string riding up your crack! That is a lot of things, but comfort is not one of them!

The other thing I know is that sometimes us servers like to wear very hot, sexy bras under our uniform. Fire-engine red, lacy black, leopard name it. I believe it helps us feel individual, sexy, sly, and a bit naughty....when all you see is an unflattering billowy shirt and tight pants, if you're lucky. Ha. It helps to know that when you're dealing with some snotty asshole who is treating you like his personal slave, that if you showed him what was underneath, he would be putty in your hands (and i'm sure the tip would go up). I'm sure well over half of the male customers actually like to undress us, in fact I've seen it many a time. On the otherhand,the jealous older women who treat you like they're your evil step-mother like to picture us in granny-panties, bloomers, petticoats - anything to make themselves feel better.

Must go.... doing this in secret, almost caught!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

confessions of a reformed catholic schoolgirl..

...make sure you read that title properly, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! (i have never been entirely certain of the identity of "pete" in this particular expression which was a favorite of my late great Aunt Kitty, but I suppose it isn't relevant). The title is "reformed catholic schoolgirl" NOT "catholic reform-school girl" - okay? Just want to make sure we're all at the same place before I begin.

Wednesday seems to be a good day to cleanse my soul. I have all kinds of dirty little secrets that I have not been sharing with you. The weekend fast approaches and since the "sinning and gin-ing" will begin again, i should use this opportunity to come clean, so I can get all dirty again. By the way, do you mind terribly if I don't capitalize my "I"s anymore? I know its just sooooooo e.e.cummings of me, but i am not a great typist and it is an effort that i feel should only be made at the commencement of a new sentence. Good, i didn't think you'd mind(side bar of apologies to devout e.e. cummings fans: i'm not insinuating that good ol' e.e. was lazy, it was just a little allusion - don't be so fucking touchy about everything!).
The first thing i need to say is that i have a sick, sick, love for president's choice white cheddar macaroni and cheese. I am so ashamed of myself, but alas, it is true. Tonight,i considered making nori rolls with avocado and cucumber for supper, but then my eyes lit upon the familiar black and red box (horrendous packaging) and i caved...yet again.
Carrying on with extremely important things that i need to share with any random people that stumble across this site:
Have you ever read any Anais Nin? No? Well, you should. I do. All the time. Bedtime reading at it's very finest. Props are not required for a fun time - IF you are extremely imaginative. If however, you would put your self in the under-achiever category when it comes to creative sexuality, might I suggest a vibrator or other such battery operated device for full enjoyment of such literature as Anais? (Yes, yes, i know that some of you have others at home who could serve this purpose, but I have never been a read-aloud kind of gal...i blush too easily and i don't think blushing and bashfulness are hot). Now that we are talking about battery operated devices, keep in mind that if you have a roommate or housemate, etc., that maybe fresh batteries should be used in your discperson or any other battery-operated non-sexual device for a day or so - just long enough to take the edge of the batteries, or else the um, humming might be something of a dull roar, and thus an audible distraction to said roommate.

While we are on the topic of hot lit - and i think we might stay here for a little while - it seems that there is lots to say for now), after you are finished here, you might want to click on over to: and from there, check out the column on the left for You can thank me later. But not yet! I 'm not done! Have some manners, for goodness sake! This might be vital information (or not, but can you really risk it?)

Currently, i am reading The Fermata by Nicholson Baker and i think you might like it. It is not quite as steamy as his earlier Vox, but i'm enjoying myself. Where was i? Ohhhhhh...confessions. I guess the mac and cheese thing wasn't all that steamy, but i can do better. How 'bout this one: i had a really inappropriate sex dream recently about my boss (no, not THAT kind of boss - i'm the boss of me in THOSE situations..i'm talking about work - the real-world boring kind). In my dream, he came up behind in the guise of having a normal conversation, gripped my shoulders and pressed himself against me..and (ew! ew! ew!) HE HAD A SERIOUS ERECTION! Yes! I was reallllllllyyyyyyyyyy grossed out! I felt filthy for some unknown reason when i woke up the next day, and when i figured out why, i hopped in the shower and scrubbed - hard. Which is really saying something, because i am not generally an especially clean person. I mean, i like a bath as much as the next person, but showers? Not so much. And in the morning? No thanks.
A long, long time ago, i was talking to my then (older and therefore supposedly wiser) boyfriend and mentioned that i had to get off the phone because i needed to get in the shower. He asked "But didn't you already get a shower today?", to which i replied in the affirmative. He said "You know what they say about people who are too clean....". I, in my innocent 16 year-oldism didn't. He explained that "they" say that people who are excessively clean are afraid of sex. Well, i couldn't have people thinking that about me, now could i? Hence, my arrival, many years later at the non-morning shower stage of my life. Hangovers mean all bets are off. Everything is different when hungover and normal habits go out the window. I don't even drink coffee when i'm hungover. But, i do shower.

Monday, February 06, 2006

theories that i have found to be true and highly applicable

I am fully aware that I'm diving into this particular missive without consulting my other half of this joint-bloggery venture (see previous posting for the hatching of that term), and also that it isn't directly related to our mandate of mild-naughtiness (in an erotic sense, of course), but, I feel that this particular thought needs to get out there, and really, isn't that what blogs are for? Prior to starting, I think I need to express my dislike for the word "blog". ew. It conjures up nasty, fecal-like images that I don't care to think about. But "bloggery" is fine. So, I've decided that hereafter, "bloggery" will replace "blog" whenever such a term is needed. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's begin....

While sitting at Tom's Little Havana on Saturday evening, I shared the "pig/rat" theory with a friend of mine. For those who are not familiar with it, it goes like this:
Society at large can be broken down into 2 physical categories...that is, you look like either a pig, or a rat. Nobody can be insulted here, as neither animal has especially desirable physical traits. It is nothing like that bullshit, lame-ass question people who are attempting to be "deep" ask others "If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be and why?" and then equally lame people say things like "I'd be a deer because they are quick and graceful." or "I'd be a puma, becasue they are sleek and sexy." NO! No my friend, not a deer nor puma would you be. You would be a pig, or a rat, depending on your facial features. Give it a whirl the next time you are sitting in a public place at a good vantage point for observation - preferably with a camrade of an equally delicious sense of humour (god, i hate boring people, don't you?) .I think the nose has alot to do with it, while my drinking companion from Saturday begs to differ. He feels, quite strongly, that it has more to do with one's cheeks. He has an addition to the theory, that being that pigs are attracted to pigs and rats are attracted to rats. I'm not too sure what to make of this, because all of my past boyfriends have been pigs and rats, or even both at the same time - and there have been a few real dogs in there as well, not to mention all the asses (as in donkey - do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you??) - i just love animal metaphor. I guess I should continue with my clarification and say that my red wine-drinking friend also meant facial cheeks, not bum cheeks..oh, sorry, your mind was not in the gutter, dear reader, just mine. Speaking of bums, well, we weren't, but now are (wasn't that a terribly clever segway on my part?)...

This bloggery (if you are experiencing grammatical issues, please refer to the above previously given explanation) is going to use underthings as a starting point of sorts to explore various elements of society. Just our immediate society, of course, I'm not talking about the world in general. This isn't someone's f'ing social anthropology thesis, just a bloggery (I said "f'ing" there to be polite, but am changing my mind, I actually meant "fucking social anthropology thesis" - I am an extremely polite person in reality, but am letting all go to hell here in the bloggery world). Where was I? Oh yes, bums. I think it is a topic fully worth exploring. I think maybe that is why I like nectarines so much - eating one is like biting into a plump, smooth bottom. mmmmmm. With that, I'll sign off for the evening, but I'll leave you with the following thought:
This is only Monday. Monday is among the least entertaining days of the week. Please tune in sometime after Friday, because things are going to get a little bit steamier - I promise.....

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Another Blog has Hatched

Joint-bloggery...hmmm...does the word "bloggery" exist yet? It sounds suspiciously like "buggery", which is, of course, a dirty word. So, I guess "bloggery" can officially go on the list of Words that Sound Dirty but Actually Aren't...