The SSPs are having a productive, yet bizarre week, in the romance department. I know what you're thinking: "Who gives a fuck about the romantic shit - we come here to read about HOT SEX!" - and hot sex you will get, dear readers. But first you need to hear about the weirdos that we seem to draw in, like wasps to honey on a hot summer's day...
Last night, we were hit on by the same guy - at the same time. It was very much a fishing expedition - he didn't seem to care which one of us took the bait (and i'm quite sure he would happily have taken both, if the opportunity presented itself...which it didn't). Here are some tips for the pick-up line challenged amongst you:
1.) Never start off a conversation by saying "i like older women", in reference to a woman who is still in her 20s. I know i gave that whole "Mrs. Robinson" idea a whirl a few postings back, but it has to be ON MY TERMS - not coming from some pain-in-the-ass 22 year old so-called stand-up comedian.
2.) Don't assume that your reputation preceeds you - you are not in high school anymore, for fuck's sake. (i.e. "Well, all the girls say i'm great in the sack...". ..gross.)
3.) Don't make creepy fetish-oriented comments until you know that you are "in like flynn", as they say (who is this famous "Flynn" character anyway? where do these silly expressions come from?)
I am describing one particular situation here, and doing a brief analysis of why this guy did not have a chance in HELL of earning an invite back to Slipshod Manor. As a matter of fact, he didn't even merit the SSP's bloggery site address. (note to those who were passed a scrap of paper with a baffling question and our URL on it - its because we deemed you worthy of reading our inner most thoughts...and perhaps because we wrote about you in a semi-veiled way that we decided direct you here).
Getting back to the fetish-ist comments: last night, i was wearing a strand of pearls. i like the "naughty '50s housewife" look every now and then. This same lame-ass 22 year old actually had the gall to reach out and TOUCH MY PEARLS and say "i'd be making a pearl noose out of these later if you let me." ????????? Lookit (isn't that such a great expression? my mother used to get pissy with me for using it - "bad grammar"), i am not letting you anywhere near me or my pearls at any point, so get those lame-o ideas that you wouldn't have the balls to carry off in the first place out of your pea-brained head.
I'd like to point out that anyone who really has a good idea for me and my pearls, but enough sense keep it to yourself until the time is right (i.e. at least some indication of interest from me..and some indication that you're not full of shit when you make statements such as that), i'll not only wear the pearls, but i'll throw on my garter belt, heels and an apron as well - and some bright red lipstick for good measure.
And how could i forget the highlight of last evening's conversation? He looked at me said "You know what they say about red heads?" (what a stupid thing to say to a redhead!! anyone with any distinctive feature knows what they say about whatever distinctive feature that person has! We've heard it all before. But, i gave him a blank look anyway... and he (ever so creatively) said "They have more fun than blondes.." - ??? I told him that i wasn't so sure - i had plenty of fun as a blonde - hinting at the fact that my red hair is slightly "assisted". And at this point, we reached the crowning moment of the conversation, as he said (while staring lavaciously at my skirt) "You mean the rug doesn't match the drapes?". In other circumstances, i would have lifted my skirt so he could check for himself, but he was hardly worthy of the exposing my bare ass to the air-conditioning in the bar. That's when Poppy and i walked away....holding hands and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, just so he could see what could have been...if he hadn't been so useless.
Live and learn. Today's lesson: don't be such a skill-less pick-up artist. or quite simply: don't be such a moron.
*a quick plea for help from anyone with technological inclinations: we've got some great pictures that we've been trying to put up but the normal method is not working. anyone out there who is familiar with this bloggery format and has some helpful hints, please contact us...xoxoxoxo *